Shampoo Bottle Anxiety

I threw away some shampoo bottles and had a slight anxiety attack.  It was similar, but not as rough, as the one I had the night the pastor search committee called to tell me that they had finished their search.  Now, before you think that I have gone off the deep end or that I need help, please keep reading.

I have a walk-in shower.  Mike kept his shampoo, soap and shaving cream on one side and I had the other.  When he passed away, I didn’t move them.  I would clean around them but I left them there.  I suppose it was my way of feeling like things were still normal.  They didn’t change the way that the sun came up each day or how I did my daily activities.  It was a subtle reminder that Mike might have been the only one keeping Prell shampoo in business.  However, last week I decided to replace the shower curtain.  This led to a complete bathroom cleaning.  I decided to throw them away.  After putting them in the trash, I felt my emotions wash over me (no pun intended).  It was just shampoo/soap bottles.

The night that I got the call that the pastor search committee had finished their search was difficult.  I was at Hannah’s cheer practice and it was almost over.  Once again, emotions swept over me and it was like a river of tears exploded from my eyes.  My heart sank again as I knew that the final closure had come.  Anxiety.  Tears.  Grief.  It wasn’t because I didn’t know that it would eventually happen.  It was just another thing I had to face.

The anxiety over the shampoo bottles faded quickly.  It is amazing how God can just help you to smile through it.  I could even feel Mike smiling as he shook his head at me.  Likewise, the day after I heard about the pastor coming to MHBC, I felt God leading me to contact him via email to introduce myself since Hannah and I would be out of town during the weekend of the call.  I also listened to his sermons online and felt very impressed with his style of preaching and teaching.   God was in control of this and I knew that He would send the right person to the church.  In less than 24 hours of the onset of anxiety, a peace had come over me.  Life goes on and God has a plan.

Anxiety is real and can sweep over you quickly.  How you handle it is what is important.  I don’t always like being an adult or doing the things that my husband used to do but life goes on and God has a plan.  Sometimes we must realize that our faith is created in simple things and we just have to be prepared to let go of the “shampoo bottles” and continue to live each day one breath at a time.

A future unexpected

img_3989The picture shows what was in a fortune cookie as my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.
“A thrilling adventure is in your near future” and “You will accomplish great things in your free time this week.”

We decided to get away for our anniversary leaving our 12 year old behind with a friend’s family.  It was an amazing time as we spent it together, holding hands, taking a dinner cruise, strolling the pier.  I am not one to believe everything the fortune cookie tells me but I thought these were interesting.  What I didn’t know was what the thrilling adventure was in my near future.  When I think of a thrilling adventure, I think of something awesome, exciting and fun.  Unfortunately, my thrilling adventure meant losing him just 2 months later.  Thrilling became more of horror and uncertainty as I faced a life without him.  The unknowns and whys haunted me.  The days surrounding his death and the funeral are somewhat of a blur.  Medicated and kept busy by friends and family caused me to just walk in a fog and I couldn’t wake to go to sleep at night because I knew that I made it through the day.  I had to learn how to live without him, maintain a house, pay the bills and raise our daughter all alone.  The memories that we shared are embedded into my mind and it is what keeps me going.  We have so many great ones and now that I have almost made it through the first 365, I embark on this blog journey to continue writing.  Writing has been a good therapy for me.  It helps me to express my faith and it reminds me of the strength that God is giving me.  I hope that the words that I say are meaningful to at least one person.